I blame my partner for our dog’s death

[/u/Working_Arm_9913]

My partner and I have been together from 3years. I have my dog from 7. She was with me since she was 39 days old. Both me and him are extremely attached to her, we love her like our own child. 4 days ago we were on a walk and when we went back home, he started to clean our dogs paws (we have 2 more dogs, got them after her). She was a chihuahua mix - 1kg, very small and fragile. Most of the times I clean their paws, but I was 2 days post-op and he wanted to help. Our girl was happy and healthy, full of energy that day. I went to pee while he was cleaning her and then he called me with panicked voice. I run immediately and she was in his hands unconscious. Everything happened for 5 seconds. He said she fell. He tried to give her first aid, we went immediately to the vet and it was too late. First we thought she broke her neck , because of the fall , but we did a scan and that wasn’t the case. His said that she fell from 10cm from the ground (she was in his hand) on her back, had a 2-3 second seizure and that was it. Now I felt awful on our way to the vet I was like “how did you drop her” “oh my god, oh my god” I was holding my unconscious baby in shock. When we went there and they told us she’s dead, we cried so much I was telling him it’s not his fault. Then the vet told us the neck isn’t broken and assumed it was blood clot that caused heart attack which also can cause the short seizure. In my mind , I felt not exactly better, but like it wasn’t an accident. Like it wasn’t our fault at least. His or mine for not cleaning them myself. It wasn’t our fault. We are completely devastated. Didn’t eat for days, crying all the time. To say that he loves her would be an understatement. But now just today, I was telling him how I’m thinking was there anything wrong I did with her diet or something else. I cook for my dogs and put a lot of effort so they can have the best diet possible. And he said that whatever that was, was triggered by her falling. I went crazy. I blamed him, because he agreed it’s probably heart attack and that’s why she fell in the first place, now he’s telling me he thinks it’s because of the fall? He dropped our other dog 6 months ago, while taking her to shower. She had hematoma on her back. I told him a thousand times to not carry them when cleaning their paws. Now our dog is dead. Because he didn’t listen. I’m not even sure if that’s the cause, but apparently he thinks that. I blame him, I feel like I can’t trust him with them anymore. We are in an amazing relationship normally, but I feel like I can’t just let go of that situation. Any advice would be appreciated, because I’m losing my mind here. My happy world fell apart.

submitted by /u/Working_Arm_9913
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